It is inevitable….that “life happens.” We all have experienced many different challenges, trials, and hardships in life due to lost opportunities, decisions we made, bad advice received, no formal training or education in the matter, or just simply, we had nobody to mentor and guide us towards safety.
Sometimes, life is messy. That includes marriage. Many
struggle and end in divorce. For some, the divorce is traumatic enough that it
leads one spouse (possibly both) to turn towards faith and eventually salvation
in Jesus Christ. Now, they are not only a “new believer,” but a divorced
believer.
Well, like I said before, “life happens.” These new
believers find another love and marry again. But, as they continue to grow in
their faith it seems inevitable that they eventually discover the Bible’s
stance on marriage after divorce. What do I do now? I wasn’t a Christian when I
divorced but became a Christian after my second marriage! Now what do I do? I’m
stuck! Help!!
The confusion usually begins with the discovery of Luke
16:18 that says, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries
another woman commits adultery, and he who marries a divorced woman commits
adultery.” That seems fairly clear, doesn’t it? Not quite. This is where it
is important to study the Bible rather than to just read it and
walk away with an assumption, we know what it means.
The interesting thing is that you can’t take this at
face-value in the English. One must take into account the Law this was
based off of and combine that with cultural norms of their day that was
thousands of years ago.
The Law was Deuteronomy 24:1-4, “If a man marries
a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent
about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and
sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the
wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a
certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he
dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her
again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the
Lord.”
There are some interpretations to this process as the laws
seem to favor the man and weigh more heavily upon the woman. That is cultural.
Women were not equal to men. Sometimes women were seen as property or perhaps,
employee-like. If for any reason she would fall out of favor with her husband,
he could write a certificate of divorce and it would be over.
These “excuses” could range from the very extreme such as
finding out she lied about being a virgin and was found, after being married,
that she wasn’t, then he could divorce her. But, over the course of time, the
law was loosely interpreted and could be used to divorce on the account of “I
don’t like your cooking” to “you’re not pretty anymore and I don’t find you
attractive.” Everything was in the husband’s favor and most women had no
recourse or defense of themselves.
The good news of the New Testament is that we are ushered
into a new way of living and stronger understanding of forgiveness because of
the sacrifice and redeeming power of Jesus Christ. The other good news is that
we are no longer enslaved to the Old Testament Jewish laws on marriage that
were actually very loose interpretations or “loop holes” of Deuteronomy 24:1-4.
Many have found comfort in knowing the redeeming
forgiveness of Jesus when dealing with the trauma of divorce prior to becoming
a Christian. I think 2 Corinthians 5:17 is powerful to help us. It says,
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have
passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
What that tells me is that God has forgiven us of our past
failures, mistakes, and sins. We are made new. Possibly this is God’s way of
saying that He is giving us a “do-over.” The slate is clean and we can begin
walking refreshed in forgiveness and renewed for greater things ahead if we are
willing to live according to God’s Word while being radically sold-out to Jesus Christ, in an obedient,
sacrificial and servant-oriented loving relationship with God and our neighbors.
So, why do we still fret? Why do we still seem tormented with
guilt over our past even when that “past” was before I became a Christian? First,
we must learn that when we are forgiven, we are released from our sins….not the
consequences stemming from the sins from which we were forgiven.
That is hard to take in and we realize that may even make
God appear as cruel and unloving. Yes, I know He has the authority and power to
make all the consequences to “disappear” as if nothing had ever happened. But, in all honesty, we simply don't learn much that way....it's too easy and requires too little from us.
But, as we know, we don’t learn anything from that as
having to struggle, work and strive through these issues is what actually makes
us more resilient, stronger, faithful and open to seeing God’s presence and
work within the matter. Plus, I think if we’ll be honest, we understand that it
also keeps us humble, alert and even more dependent upon the mercy and grace of
God and our relationship with Him.
The second lesson is learning that we must
not only “love ourselves” (Mark 12:20-21) in order to love our neighbor, we
must also “forgive ourselves” as God has forgiven us. I am amazed at how many
people hang onto, nurse and dwell on their past mistakes when they already know
God has forgiven them.
Many have not been enlightened with this knowledge on how crucial,
yet healthy, it is to release ourselves from our past (memories) by saying “I
forgive me!” That may sound silly and unnatural at first, but it is paramount
in letting go of the past for good.
It’s realizing that it is NOT God punishing us (when we
stay in bondage over our past), but sadly, it was a "self-inflicted wound" all along....we are the culprit....we are doing it to ourselves....it is by our own hands that we are staying tethered
to the past. When God sets us free, we are truly “free indeed!”
John 8:31-35, “Jesus said to the
people who believed in him, ‘You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful
to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’
‘But we are descendants of Abraham,’ they said. ‘We have never been slaves to
anyone. What do you mean, ‘You will be set free’?’ Jesus replied, ‘I tell you
the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin. A slave is not a permanent
member of the family, but a son is part of the family forever. So if the Son
sets you free, you are truly free.’”
So, back to the “adultery” issue in remarriage. If you are
struggling with a dissolved marriage prior to becoming a Christian or even after,
know today that when you truly repent, seek God’s forgiveness and commit to living
a disciplined and obedient life, just know that God’s divine love and forgiveness
is instant and unconditional. He will never put you on a “30-day trial period”
to make sure you are able to uphold your end of the deal first. Instant.
Everything. Forgiven. Freedom. That’s it.
It covers everything, completely, and there are no “hidden
catches” or “tricks” that will make God go back on His Word as if He would “un-forgive”
you. That’s just plain silly!!! All….everything…forgiven and never to be brought
up later to be used against you. So, it isn’t a “God-thing.” I think it is a “you-thing.”
Yes, you will still need to navigate through any consequences
of the past, but with help and support, you can cope, manage and get through
all of those things. Most importantly, though, is to remember that you need to forgive
yourself and open yourself up to the freedom that God has already granted
to you. Forgive. Heal. Recover.
MUSIC VIDEO:
To help understand the need to "forgive yourself," I would like to introduce you to one of my favorite Christian bands, "The Choir"....the song is entitled "The Time Has Come." Read the lyrics carefully. I pray this can be a form of healing to you! Click on the link for the YouTube video.
THE CHOIR: "The Time Has Come"